(The hatchling barracks)

     *Triss, can I ask you something?* said Trevor, reaching up to stroke the
little dragon's neck.  She had awakened again, and decided to indulge herself
by leaping up onto Trevor's cot and snuggling herself in next to him.  Now she
had the edge of her new quilt in her teeth, and was trying to drag it up over
herself.  He decided to indulge her this once, since by tomorrow she'd be too
large to manage such a thing.

     <Yes, if you will tell me what suddenly happened to the rest of my name!>
she told him.

     Trevor chuckled.  *Can you tell me why you picked me to join with?* he
asked.  *I mean...there were a lot of girls there, and...*

     <None of them were right for me.  You were the only one.>

     *Well, yes, I gathered that...but WHY was I the only right one?  You
know, when a female dragon joins with a male rider, it usually means that the
rider is...well, it means the rider usually perfers other men instead of
women.* 

     The dragonet considered this, cocking her sleek head and peering closely
at her rider.  <Do you?> she asked.

     Trevor was a bit surprised at the bluntness of her question.  *Do I what,
like men better than women?  I...no, of course not!*

     Trissana shrugged her narrow shoulders, an almost human gesture that for
some reason struck Trevor as being very funny.  <Then that is not the reason,>
she decided.  <It seems to me that you have answered your own question, have
you not?>  Then she settled herself down next to him and began to drowse.

     Trevor blinked.  Her hatchling logic was almost too simple to be correct,
but for the life of him he couldn't think of anything to refute it.  Ever
since the two of them had joined, he'd been very worried about the
implications of this cross-joining.  Several of the other new riders had found
themselves in the same sort of pairings, but he'd overheard Qedhar's
explanation to Brisse of why that was.  Nomad culture being what it was,
cross-joinings involving Nomad riders would probably be a lot more common than
had been the case at Keldarra and the other warrens.

     But Trevor wasn't a Nomad, and he'd spent his entire life wishing to be
something other than a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.  Maybe his
dragon was right, though.  Maybe, at least as far as sexual orientation went,
a person could choose their own path.  Of course, many people would make the
obvious assumption when they saw him with Trissana...and at that he shuddered,
just knowing that Lenna would take great delight in pointing this out to
him...but perhaps it didn't have to be true.  Cross-joined or no, he could
never imagine himself getting into that sort of a relationship.

     One problem remained, though.  When Tris was old enough, and had her
first mating flight, he'd be forced into that very thing.  And his dreams told
him what would happen then.  He'd allowed himself to forget, momentarily,
about the long-term implications of being Trissana's rider, but now they began
to weigh down his thoughts once again.  Sensing his distress, Tris stretched
her neck out over his back and nuzzled him comfortingly.  <Please don't be
sad,> she told him.  <Perhaps I wil not ever fly to mate.>

     *Maybe not,* he told her, although he knew better.  When the time came,
she would rise as inevitably as did the sun itself.  But he deliberately
blocked that thought from her, not wanting her to think he would blame her for
something that she could not help.  Soon she closed her eyes again and drifted
into slumber.

     With nothing else to do, Trevor opened K'rald's journal again and picked
up where he'd left off.  His father had begun writing the journal in  2978,
the year he and Kellie had become mates.  The first entry mentioned that the
journal had been a present from her.  His father hadn't made entries every
day, he noticed, but only on those days where something had occurred that made
it worth his while to take time out of his busy schedule and write.  One of
the early entries had surprised him somewhat - it appeared that M'del, who was
10 at the time, had taken an instant dislike to Kellie.  His father had put it
down to M'del's resentment that Kellie had stepped into his own deceased
mother's spot in their family, but hoped that this would go away with time.
But Kellie's words to him just a little while ago seemed to indicate that
K'rald had been too optomistic.

     He read, with a certain amount of interest, of his own birth in
2979...and then remembered, to his surprise, that he'd be turning 20 in about
another month!  Hmmm, where did the time go...?

     The entries, which had been fairly sporadic up until 2984, began to pick
up in frequency after that point - and the reason, to Trevor's amazement, was
M'del.  One entry, from the early spring of that year, particularly caught his
eye.

     [Spring, 1st month, 14th day, 2984]
          [M'del came home after another drinking bout last night.  Kellie
            furious.  Promised that I would have a talk with him - not the
             first time, and this is becoming a problem.]

     That one caught Trevor completely by surprise!  He had a hard time
imagining M'del ever having such a problem when he was younger.  He wondered
what his older half-brother had done to correct it?

     But the succeeding entries told an even sorrier picture.  M'del had also
gotten into gambling by the time he was 16, and the drinking problem only
showed signs of getting worse.  But when he came to the first entry for 2985,
he almost dropped the book.

     [Winter, 2nd month, 23rd day, 1985]    
       Kellie says that either M'del must find his own quarters, or she will.
        She barely tolerated his bringing female friends over late at night,
         but says she will not put up with his bringing over male lovers!
         I promised to talk with him about it.]

     M'del was a bisexual?  He'd never even suspected...

     [Spring, 3rd month, 15th day, 2984]
     [M'del was very disappointed that he did not join at the hatching
      today, as was I.  Since M'del is a telepath, I had really thought
      he would join quickly.  But perhaps next time.]

     This one had Trevor puzzled. He was certain that M'del had joined right
around that time, and he didn't think there'd been another hatching until
several months later.  But the next entry, dated five days afterward, answered
his question.

     [I am very happy that M'del has joined, but this wilder he has found
      shows signs of being abnormal.  He says the dragon's name is
       Rashevon, but the creature either will not or cannot speak to
        any of the other dragons.  I cannot explain this, but the
        dragonhealer hopes that the problem will correct itself in time.]     

     Rashevon was a wilder?  Trevor would have never guessed that.  Most
wilders were small compared to warrenbred dragons, but M'del's dragon had
apparently been the exception to that rule.  And he'd never known about any
problem with Rashevon's telepathy, but then again he wouldn't have...

     He was beginning to wonder about something else, too, something that
disturbed him far more.  He'd always thought M'del was perfect, an example for
other dragonriders to try to emulate.  But his father's words painted a far
less rosy picture of his half-brother.  After reading the earlier entries, he
wondered how M'del had dealt with his various personality problems to become
the person that Trevor had known and remembered...but the dates of the entries
he was reading now were getting quite close to the time of M'del's death, and
their content described a situation that only continued to worsen.

     He could scarcely believe what he was reading, but his father had been a
witness to everything he was describing - and his father had been truthful to
a fault.  Trevor began to feel an empty, sickening feeling inside him.  Could
he have been wrong about M'del all these years?  And if he had...what else
might he have been wrong about.  He was almost afraid to keep reading, but
forced himself to continue and learn the truth.

     [1st day of New Year, 2985]
     [I am beginning to suspect that M'del's worsening behavior is due, in
      no small part, to the peculiarities of that strange dragon he joined
      with.  Even the other dragons are wary around Rashevon; at the 
      best of times, he is a solitary creature who shows no degree of
      friendliness or cooperation toward his own kind. But at intervals - 
      and these are growing shorter as time passes - he becomes
      violent and aggressive towards both humans and other dragons.
      The Warrenlady has spoken to M'del about this, and has
      threatened to have him banished unless he can keep the
      creature under control.

Obviously K'rald had been busy at that time, because the next entry was more
than a month later:

     [The situation is becoming intolerable.  Rashevon has gone into one of
      his "fits" again - this morning he tried to drive Moonsong away from
      a runnerbeast she was eating.  I did not see this, but I have the word
      of Moonsong's rider and several others - when she refused to give up
      her kill, he charged her and inflicted a bad bite on her left
wingshoulder
       that the healers say will keep her out of the air for several weeks.
While
       he had her down on the ground, he then tried to mount her - it took
four
       other dragons to force him away from her.]

     Trevor had to read that passage over again, thinking perhaps he'd
misunderstood the meaning of his father's words.  He had thought there'd been
no finer dragon at all Keldarra than Rashevon - but his father's entries
described a violent and warped creature that was like no dragon he'd ever
heard of.  And that word "mount"...was his father saying that Rashevon had
actually tried to rape one of the females?  There was nothing in that passage
to suggest that Rashevon's actions wree connected with a mating flight.
Trevor found himself shivering.  *This* was the creature he'd been planning to
hold up as an example for Trissana to follow?

     The next entry was dated the following afternoon:       

    [M'del got into a fight with his "lover" again, and this time beat him
    badly in the process - I am convinced now that his behavior is
    reflecting that of his dragon.]

     And another, written late in the evening of that same day:

     [I do not know whether to be sad, angry, or frightened.  I found out
      that Kellie has secretly been talking to the Dragonlady about
      having M'del banished from Keldarra.  I should be furious at her, 
      but even I have to admit that she has some reason...she tells me
      that Rashevon - through M'del - has threatened Varie, and she
      is terribly afraid of him.  Since Rashevon seems to lack the normal
      compunctions against harming other dragons, I doubt that any single
      dragon could fend him off...and, Kellie tells me, she is becoming
      more and more worried about M'del's recent interest in Trevor. M'del
      is my son, though...how can I support Kellie in this?]

     Trevor was beginning to get an awful feeling about where all of this was
leading, and he couldn't force himself to read what came next.  This date was
only a few days before M'del's death, and he wondered if he really wanted to
know what came next...he had a very bad feeling that he already knew.

     <You should read it, my rider,> Trissana told him.  <You will not be
satisfied unless you know the truth.>

     *I think I know already,* he replied sadly.  *Maybe I've known all along,
and just been too stupid to see it.*

     He took a deep breath, and held it as he read his father's next words.
They were dated the following morning:

     [I beat my son last night - would have killed him, I think, had Kellie
      not stopped me.  It is almost too painful for me to write these words,
      but I know I must.  Kellie was on evening patrol last night, and I had
      just left Trevor for a few minutes to take Faltz to the feeding grounds.
      When I came back, M'del was here - he had Trevor down on the bed
      and...no, I cannot even write what I saw.  Gods, his own brother - and
      Trevor is only 5 years old!!  M'del is in the med center now, but will
       be out in a few days, the healers say.  Now I know what I must do.
       I can no longer excuse M'del's behavior, whatever the cause.  He is
       too much a danger - and today I will go with Kellie to demand that
       he be tried for what he has done.  I think he will be banished, but
       perhaps execution would be a greater mercy.]

     Trevor squeezed his eyes shut, and knew that he was shaking
uncontrollably.    He felt Trissana press herself closer to him, and felt her
silent mental support.  It was all that gave him the strength to go on...he
read the next entry, written that same night:

     [Trevor seems to remember nothing of what M'del did to him, and that is a
      blessing at least.  I think that we should not tell him, just yet.  He
will
      have to know soon, of course, since I am sure he will have to testify
      against M'del at the trial.]

     Trevor knew that he had never been called to testify at any trial, and
K'rald's entry from four days later explained why.

     [M'del is dead.  He went out with his wing to drive off a number of
wilders
      who had attacked one of the villages...his wingleader had not gotten the
      orders suspending him, apparently...and when the wing returned, M'del
      and Rashevon were not with them.  He was not a casualty of the battle,
      so his loss is being attributed to a teleportation accident.  I grieve
to
      write these words, but at least he died as a dragonrider and not as an
      outcast or rogue, which he would surely have become.  Perhaps it is
      a mercy that he has gone this way.  Trevor still shows no sign of
      remembering - but Kellie is worried.  She says that he has not
      smiled or laughed once since the incident, something he always
      used to do easily.  Still, I believe that no good can come of telling
      him, since now there will clearly be no trial.  Kellie agrees.

     Trevor closed the book.  There were seven years of entries left, but he
had learned what he needed to know.   He angrily swept it off of the cot, and
heard it skitter across the floor nearby.  At the same moment, he felt
Trissana shift herself across him, and the next thing he knew the little
hatchling was in front of him, nuzzling him.

     <I am sorry, Trevor...but I knew that the black dragon and his rider were
evil.  You needed to know that too.>

     He was too numb with shock to understand her words at first.  "M'del," he
whispered to himself, as he took Tris into his arms and hugged her against
him.  "How could you...?  Damn you, I trusted you...!"

     He clenched his fists in anger and frustration.  All the years he had
wasted, hiding from people because he believe he was some kind of a menace to
everyone around him...and it had all been a lie!  M'del had been the menace,
not him!  Those dreams weren't a warning!  They were just a replay of what had
actually happened on that night nearly fifteen years ago!

     Why hadn't they ever told him?  Why had they let him go on believing all
these years that he was a monster when it wasn't true?  K'rald was gone these
last seven years, but Kellie was still here...he wanted to go out and find
her, rage at her for keeping the truth from him!  Damn her!

     <My rider,> Trissana interjected, <did your dam know that you were having
the bad dreams?>

     That brought Trevor up short...no, she hadn't!  And she hadn't because he
himself had been so damned skillful in hiding his problem from others.  He
realized now that if any of a number of things had occurred differently, all
the pain he'd put himself through might have been avoided.  If M'del hadn't
joined with Rashevon, or if Rashevon had been normal...if K'rald had trusted
M'del less and listened to Kellie's warnings...if M'del had lived to come to
trial...if, if, if...!

   He didn't know what to do...he wanted to scream out his rage for all the
years this had cost him.  At the same time, he wanted to laugh aloud for
finally being free of his old chains.

     <I think you should be happy that this has ended,> Trissana told him.
<You cannot change those old things.  You can only do things now.>

     Trevor again marvelled at the simplicity of her logic.  She was right,
and in her own way had laid out his choices just as Cynthia had done for him
earlier.  He could live in the past, and be bitter about what he had lost...or
he could live for the present and the future, and be happy about what he had
gained today.  And he'd made that choice already, he knew, at the moment he
stopped Trissana from going over that cliff.  Now he could only live with that
choice and make the best of things.  But the implications of all this were
making him lightheaded...he could let himself be around people, even be open
with them, without worrying about harming them.

     His secret "beast" was gone...no, it had never even existed!  He heard
himself laughing softly...this shouldn't be funny, but somehow it was.

     *So, I guess I've been pretty stupid, haven't I?*  he asked, knowing that
all of this was going to hurt a lot more after the shock had worn off, but
still glad of the temporary respite.

     <No, my rider,> she replied.  <You merely needed a dragon to give you
guidance.  I am sorry that I could not have come to you earlier, for I think
you needed me a long time ago.>

     He sat up an ruffled the scales on the dragon's head.  *I think I need to
take a walk,* he told her.  *Want to come?*

     In response, Triss yawned.  <I think I will sleep for awhile, if you do
not mind,> she told him.  <I think that now you will be all right without me
for a little while.>

     As he stood up to go, though, Trissana's head snapped up and she perked
her ears as though listening for something.  *What is it?* he asked.

     <Dragons are beginning to return to the warren,> she answered.  <Some are
injured.>

     *Okay...Triss, contact Leis for me.  Find out where he and his rider are
treating the injured!*

     <Leis says that he and his rider are up on the green,> she replied.  <He
says that they can use help, if you can come.>

     *Tell him I can,*  Trevor replied.  *Tell him that I'll wake up the other
trainees and get them up there too!*

     Before she had even had a chance to relay her rider's message, Trevor had
gone into action.  One by one, he was waking up the others, starting with
Aryam and Reain.  Once he had explained the problem to him, they also went to
work rousing the others.

     <Good luck, my rider!> Triss called out after him as he dashed out of the
barracks, leading the others up to the green where the wounded dragons and
riders were beginning to arrive.

NRPG:

Well, obviously I'm not *quite* caught up yet...but this was one of those
necessary "developmental" posts, to get Trevor past his old problem once and
for all.  (yaay!)
I'm going to get busy on the next post right away (really, I promise!) and
hope to get it sent out tomorrow - which *should* have me caught up to
everyone else!

I did some tricky formatting with those journal entries of K'rald's, to
distinguish them from the regular text.  They look good now, but, I guess I
won't really know how they came out until I see this post in the archives...

Submitted by

John
Trevor & Trissana
Cleft Warren