The blood wouldn't wash away, though his hands looked clean.  Desperately, 
he washed again, while he was caught inside that place and time that had 
been too horrible for the light.

His mother was holding him, rocking him, telling him she was sorry, but he 
knew it wasn't her fault.

It was his fault.

His.

His father had left because of him.

His mother had never gotten that covetted wingleader position because of him.

And he hadn't made her happy.

He would make her happy.  Somehow, he would make her happy, then she 
wouldn't hurt him anymore.

No pain...

"Tai?"

No blood.

Why was there still blood on his hands?

Go away!  Away!

Arms wrapping around him.  Nuzzling in his hair.  "I'm sorry, so sorry. 
Forgive me, Tair'n.  Please forgive me!  I won't do it again, I promise.  I 
love you, Tai!"

Tai?  His mother never called him Tai...

He turned, not looking in her... his?... face.

Mother...

"No, keep away from me!  You hurt me...  Make the pain stop...  Don't do 
this to me...  Please, don't hurt..." 

His knees gave out suddenly.  The other caught him and fell with him.  The 
other held him...

Mother...  Calette...  N'cal... Derima...  P'diran... Falia... W'roan... 
Lara... R'ven... Jayleigh... Gerald...

R'ven...

Mother...

Cal'an...

R'ven...

He came to himself, curled in R'ven's arms.  He looked up at R'ven's 
tearstreaked face.

What?

"Please, forgive me, Tair'n.  I'll never do it again," R'ven whispered 
through his sobs.

Then he remembered.

R'ven had left him.  R'ven had hurt him.  And he had hurt Cal'an.  Just like...

He rolled out of R'ven's arms and got to the toilet just in time.

In the midst of it, he remembered at one time Calette talking about 
projectile vomitting.  Now he knew what she was talking about.

R'ven's hand was on his back, rubbing gently.

He stood then and washed again-- his hands and face, rinsing out his mouth. 
Dear gods, what had he done?

"Tair'n?"

He turned then to face R'ven.

"Forgive me?" R'ven pleaded.

Tair'n looked away.  R'ven had hurt him.  It wasn't supposed to hurt that 
much when someone left you.  Anger, fear, need and desperation flashed 
through him.

"Tair'n?"

"Get out."  His voice was flat and hard.

There was a strangled sob from the older man.  "Please, Tai.  I love you."

"Get out!  Don't ever say that!  Get out!"

R'ven stepped back from him in fear in surprise at his vehemence.  Then, 
dejected, turned to leave.

Tair'n watched him, trying not to feel.  It was better... better if R'ven 
couldn't hurt him again.  If R'ven didn't hurt him, then he wouldn't hurt 
Cal'an...

Right?

"R'ven, wait!"

He dashed out of the room and down the hall to R'ven slumped, receding 
back.

"R'ven!"

The older man stopped and turned, a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

Tair'n nearly bowled him over as he wrapped his arms around the older 
rider.  "No!  Don't leave me, love.  Please...  I lo..."  He swallowed 
hard.  He couldn't say it.  He understood now why it frightened him.  He 
associated it with pain and shame.  "I need you.  I need you to help me 
with Cal'an.  I don't want to hurt him, Ven.  Please, help me.  I don't 
want to hurt anyone."

R'ven's arms wrapped around him, warm and strong and reassuring.  "We'll 
work it out, love.  I promise."

"Tair'n?" a new voice called.

He turned to see Herin approaching, looking very serious.

"Yes?" he asked, his heart pounding in his chest.

"We got the bleeding stopped, but he's lost a lot of blood.  We'll need to 
keep him at least overnight to make sure it doesn't start up again."

Tair'n sagged in relief.

"I'd suggest, however, that despite the fire hazard that you keep a lamp 
lit at night."

"A lamp?" Tair'n said in confusion.

"Yes.  At least until Cal'an is used to the layout of your apartment.  We 
can't afford him tripping and falling into furniture all the time."

"Oh."  Tair'n said, realisation dawning.  Cal'an had lied...  "Of course.  
Sorry, I'm a little out of it-- haven't had very much sleep."

Herin nodded and patted his shoulder.  "You need to go home and get some sleep."

"I will, after I see him... if... if that's not a problem."

"No, not a problem.  Go right in."

Cal'an's face was bruised around his nose and otherwise pale.  Tair'n's 
heart ached as he saw the look of fear on the boy's face.  He went on sat 
on the bed, brushing the boy's hair out of his face.

"Hey, Cal."

"Hi."

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

There was a long silence.  Tair'n didn't know what to say.

Tair'n studied the boy's face.  "Why did you lie?"

Cal'an shrugged.  "It was a mistake, wasn't it?"

Tair'n nodded.  "Yeah, but we have to tell anyway.  Dragons don't keep 
secrets too well."

Cal'an smiled.  "I guess not.  You won't mind?"

"It's not a matter of minding, Cal.  I was the one who did the wrong.  The 
warren needs to be assured it won't happen again.  Best way to do that is 
to be honest from the start."

In truth, Tair'n wasn't too sure it was a one-time incident.  He knew he 
would have trouble trusting himself with Cal'an...

...or Ja'dain.

Dear gods, it was over with him and Jayleigh.  He couldn't inflict himself 
on her if this was the way he treated kids.

They sat for some time, trying to find some common ground.  The door opened 
and the healer called Noni walked in.  "Good morning," she said.  "I 
understand you had a little excitement last night.  Hit your nose on an end 
table."

Tair'n gave Cal'an a significant look.

"Well... not exactly..." Cal'an said.

Suddenly, Tair'n couldn't stand to be there.  Cal'an had to be free to tell 
it without him.  He stood.  "I'll be waiting outside."

[NRPG: So, how will Noni take it?]

******

"Tair'n?"  He looked up from the chair in the hall where he was waiting for 
Cal'an to finish.  A few other members of the staff had been called into 
the room, probably, he supposed, to double-check Cal'an's story.  Jayleigh 
was walking toward him, a concerned look on her face.  "Love, what's 
wrong?"

Love.

He couldn't love her.

It wouldn't be right.

She had to be just the warrenlady, not the woman he longed for and dreamed of.

He stood, composing himself.  "Warrenlady, I have a confession to make."

He face reflected confusion at the title and his tone.  "What confession."

And he told her what he'd done, formally and factually.  "I place myself 
into your hands to mete out whatever punishment you deem necessary, warrenlady."

Respectfully submitted,
 Lynette R. F. Cowper
  Tair'n and Amadith

NRPG: Well, Barb?

All, I expect the news of this has gotten swallowed in the greater news at 
the warren, but I can see it still lifting a few eyebrows.

---
|   Lynette R. F. Cowper  *  Official INWO Rules NetRep & Goddess    |
| http://www.io.com/~lcowper  *  lcowper@io.com  *  lcowper@indy.net |
|  "If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever |
|                   get done."  -- L. Wittgenstein                   |