[Tair'n]

"Tai," a voice called as fingers ran through his hair.

Mating flight... mother...

He awoke with a start, panic rising in him.  Had he hurt her?

"Shh... It's just me... Danika..." she soothingly reassured him.  She
stood and held a hand out to him, "Come, our bath water will get cold." 

He stood, wincing at the pains of the scratches on his back, trying to
remember his time with her.  It was a red haze, his sensations mixed with
Amadith's and with his memories till he couldn't tell which was which.

She gave him a small kiss on the cheek.  "That's from Da."

"Thanks," he said quietly, still trying to sort everything out.

She led him into the bathroom and they stepped into the water together.

The sight of the bruises and bites on her body disturbed him, especially
when he saw that a couple of the bites had broken the skin.  Her yelps as
he applied alcohol to the bites were certainly equalled by his own pain as
she scrubbed the sand from where it had stuck to his scratches.

Afterward, he fetched their clothes from the stairs and they ate quietly
together.  She seemed on the verge of asking him something several times,
but didn't.

He kissed her goodbye.  "I had a good time," he said, smiling.  That, at
least, was true, whether the pleasure had been his or Amadith's.

Afterward, he sat alone on his couch, thinking about what had happened.

Dear gods, if it was a choice between possibly beating the woman due to
his memories, or burying himself so deeply in Amadith's mind that he left
his partner in this sort of condition, could he afford to let Amadith win
any more flights?

After a while, he fled the accusing silence of the apartment and headed
for the Medical Center, to spend the night by his son's bedside.

******

The next two days blurred together-- hours at Cal'an's bedside punctuated
by occasional meals, naps, and visits by the mindhealer or friends.
Amadith provided him with news which he took in without really
comprehending.

Finally, the second night, his dragon interceded.

<My rider.>

<What, Amadith?>

<You need to go home.  Zenith's rider needs you.>

<What's wrong with R'ven?> he asked dumbly.

<Have you not been paying attention?  Sienra and her rider are missing,
and Zenith's rider thinks they are dead.>

<What about it?>

<He won her in a mating flight, my rider.  He is feeling badly about it.>

Tair'n stirred.  <And he's at home wanting me?>

<No, he is at Sienra's apartment right now, but he will be home soon.  You
need to be there for him.>

He ran his hands tiredly over his stubbly face.  He hadn't shaved since
the morning of the trial.

<You're right.  Come get me.>

He heard the music and laughter from the Dining Hall as they flew home.
<What's going on there?>

<It is a hatching-day party for Ammie's rider.>

<Hatching?...  Oh, a birthday party.  I'm surprised Noni would go for
something like that.>

<It was a surprise,> Amadith said.

<Ah.  That explains it.>

Amadith landed and Tair'n slipped from his shoulders.

He walked in and surveyed Cal'an's room, perfectly clean, untouched.
Would his son live to make this room lived in?

He then went into the bedroom and kicked off his boots and sat for a long
time, staring at the pile of laundry he'd been ignoring for the last
several days.  The clothes, bloody from the day the gang of teenagers had
beaten Cal'an, lay on top.

It somehow didn't seem like normal living should be going on at a time
like this-- laundry, cooking, cleaning-- and yet, all around him, people
were going on with their lives.  The world hadn't stopped for them.

The thought of cooking reminded him he hadn't eaten since...

He wasn't sure when he had eaten last, come to think of it.

He stood, wondering if there would be anything edible in the icebox.

He stepped out of the room and started at the presence in the room, till
he realised it was R'ven.

"I didn't hear you come in."

R'ven looked up at him and smiled.  "Looks like you could do with a drink,
Tai," he said as he got to his feet and hugged his lover. 

Tair'n hugged him back, realising suddenly how much he had missed the feel
of his mate's arms around him, the smell of him, the warmth of him.

"I heard about Dy.  I'm sorry," he offered as they parted.

"'T's all right.  How's Cal'an?"

Tair'n shook his head.  "They'll think they've got it under control, then
it'll start again.  It's not good."

R'ven sat and poured him a drink.  

Tair'n took it and downed it slowly.  "Have you seen what I did with
Cal'an's room?"

Ven shook his head.

"Come look.  W'roan and I worked on it for when... if Cal'an came home."

R'ven surveyed the room approvingly.  "It's nice, Tai.  Cal'an will like
it."

Tair'n nodded.  He wouldn't think about the very real possibility that
Cal'an would never see it.

He looked at his mate again, smiling at the foppish outfit Ven wore.

"What are you looking at?" R'ven asked.

"Your outfit.  Who dressed you this morning?"

"Long story.  Do you really want to hear it?"

Tair'n shook his head.  "Not right now."  He ran his hand through the
ruffles on R'ven's shirt.  "But I do think I'd love to get you out of
this."

He slipped his hands around his mate's neck and pulled him into a slow
kiss, their hands exploring each other.

R'ven pulled back, his eyes searching Tair'n's face.  "Do you think you
can handle this?"

"I don't know," he answered honestly.  "But I want to make love to you,
feel your arms around me... have you inside me..."

"Oh, gods," R'ven breathed, pulling him back into his embrace.

******

"It's okay, Tai.  I understand."

"No, goddammit, it isn't okay!"

"We can do other things..."

"I don't want to do other things, Ven.  Fuck it all!  I'm so goddammed,
fucking tired of these flashbacks."

His mate's hands massaged his shoulders as Tair'n buried his face in his
hands.

"Love, can I ask you a question?"

"What?"

"How... how did they take you?  The drug dealer and his friend."

Tair'n shuddered, closing his eyes and took a deep breath.  "From
behind... all four times..." he said quietly.

"All right, if you want to try it again, let's try facing each other.  And
keep your eyes open.  It might help if you have visual assurance that it's
me and not them.  Do you want to try again tonight?"

Tair'n turned on the bed and embraced his mate, pulling the bigger man
down against him.  "I want you, R'ven.  I want us to be able to make love
to you however I feel like."

"Okay."

******

"Oh, gods!"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine.  Really.  Still here in the present, at least."

"I can stop if you have any problems."

"No, don't stop.  Take me deeper.  I want all of you."

The eyes of the two lovers met, Tair'n trembling in the embrace of his
mate, and both knew at that moment that the request was more than sexual.

******

Tair'n lay in the arms of his mate, their heartbeats still pounding in
unison.  Release and relief swept through him.  He had broken through.  He
had won against the past.

He'd never known lovemaking like this.  R'ven's gaze had been so intent,
his emotion and devotion so apparent in his eyes.  Tair'n had felt so
unworthy of that gaze, he had wanted to shut his eyes to shut it out.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't even look away.

Instead, he had met the other man's gaze and had let his own eyes
communicate his own feelings, truly naked for once.

And now, laying here now, he finally understood.

"Are you okay?" R'ven asked him again.

He smiled and gently kissed his mate.  "I'm fine.  Really."  He pulled
back enough to really look into R'ven's eyes, his hand cupping his mate's
face.  "I... I love you, Ven."

Respectfully submitted,
 Lynette R. F. Cowper
  Tair'n and Amadith

 # Lynette R. F. Cowper        o       INWO Line Editor & Goddess      #
 # lcowper@indy.net             <><     Circle of Janus Secretary      #
 # lcowper@io.com                  o       Captain, USS CALYPSO        #
 # http://www.io.com/~lcowper/  ><>     Warrenlady, Telnor Warren      #