"Hey slow down a bit." 

Koda stopped, but only after she recognized that the voice calling after 
her wasn't that of Trak. Him she had no need or want to talk to right now.
He'd had is revenge on her and once that night was enough. She just 
couldn't bare to deal with him again. 

She was a little surprised to see the new rider, Tina, 
she remembered her name was, coming after her 

"Oh hi." said Koda, obviously not herself.

"Gods you sure go at a pace when you want to." chatted Tina sliding her 
arm through Koda's. "It's quite a nice place, this warren of yours."

"The warren?" said Koda slightly confused, so she didn't yet try to fight
off the girl's hold on her.

"Yeah I mean you all seem so friendly and a genuinely nice bunch of guys."

'As long as you didn't add Trak into that grouping,' she muttered to
herself. She wasn't quiet sure what the girl was getting at, but at the
moment just wanted to be away and be by herself to think things over.

"If you don't mind I'd quite like to be alone." said Koda firmly but
politely. Her whole world was falling apart right now, and this girl 
wanted to talk about the nice people in the place. Gods.....

Tina looked long and hard at Koda. "Hmmm yep I guess you do want to be
alone. I think you need to talk to   
some-one, a problem shared is a problem halved that's what I've always
believed."

"Look I know you mean well but please....." began Koda. She knew the girl
was only trying to be *nice* but now wasn't the time. She was this close 
to a total break down and didn't want anyone near when it happened. 

"Look, you're pale, tired, upset, obviously something is *really* 
troubling you. You look as if you're about to burst into tears and well 
you *should* talk to some-one. I'll be blunt with you," said Tina over
riding Koda. "if you can't talk to a friend in the warren because it is 
personal or whatever then speak to me. I'm a stranger here, I might not 
be around for long, and I am not going to judge you in any way. Sometimes
the best person to talk to is someone who can look on the matter in a   
totally detached way."

"I know you mean well but..." Koda tried again. She didn't know how much
longer she could hold her tears back. She just wanted to get away from 
this girl and everyone else before she broke down.

"All I am offering you is someone to talk to, and a shoulder to cry on. From
what I can see you don't want anyone to be around you but you sure 
do need someone."

To late... she'd let it far to late... once her tears started, she 
couldn't stop them. she felt the girl's arm go around her and didn't 
fight it as she was led off to somewhere more private where they could talk.

"I know you wouldn't want the others to see you crying," Tina told her, 
the girls voice was soft with a understanding gentleness in it. 

"I'm sorry," Koda cried softly when Tina had led her to a bench. "I just
can't take anything more tonight. Everything in my life seems to be going
crazy and now this! I don't know why Trak's hates me so much that he would
humiliate me in front of the other riders like that?"

"I don't think he hates you," the girl started but an angry Koda cut her off. 

"You don't know him! You don't know what he's been putting me through," she
told her somewhat heatedly. "I'm a healer... not a combat rider. He knows
how I feel about what he was trying to make me do , but he didn't care that
it was tearing me apart. He just wanted what he wanted to be done and to
hell with anyone who didn't agree!!"

"I take it you tried talking to him about it?"

"Until I was blue in the face," she said heatedly, gaining back some of her
fighting spirit. But in the next breath it was gone... "But all he saw was
this wonderful idea about having a healer to fight and kill then do the
mopping up afterwards. He didn't care that I swore never to kill... Oh no..
all he cared about was getting what he wanted and didn't care who's feelings
were being hurt in the process...And now Tain is leaving me and I never told
him.. but what does it matter.. he never cared about me anyway. Not really..."

"Tain?" Tina asked, not recognizing the name. 

"C'tain. The evening healer," Koda told her.

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend?" Koda gave a weak grin at the description. "No...not that I
didn't want him to be, but he doesn't care anything about me except to boss
me around. He's an overbearing bully, who is always telling me what to do."

"Sounds like you got it bad for him," Tina didn't let her see that she was
grinning. "Have you tried telling him how you feel?"

"What's the use," she sighed sadly and looked away. "It wouldn't matter. He
doesn't care about me in the same way and it would only make things more
difficult to work with each other if he knew. Maybe it's a good thing he's
leaving..."

Not that she would ever believe that. She'd always love him, even if he
wasn't here for her to see day in and day out.

"Look Tina," she turned back to the girl. "Thank you for wanting to be here
to listen to me crying my heart out... but I think I really need to be alone
right now. I have to think about a few things. Thinks that could effect my
baby and me in the long run."

"BABY!" the girl's voice raised in shock, before she saw the stricken look
come over the healer's face and saw her turning her head around to see if
anyone was close enough to have heard.

"I'm sorry... you're going to have a baby? That's wonderful!!! Who's the
father. I bet he's happy knowing he's going to be a father," the girl went
on and on with her questions until Koda finally had to put her hand up to
stop her.

"No one knows as of yet," she told the girl and then explained. To a point.
"I haven't told anyone. You see there are reason's I'm not suppose to try to
have a baby and if certain people found out they would try to make me abort
this one. I want this baby so bad that I'm not going to let anyone know
about it until it's to late for them to make me do anything about it."

Tina's eyes widen is mild shock. 

"You haven't told anyone?" she asked. "Not even the baby's father?"

Koda shook her head. "I can't tell him, you see he.. well he hates me you
see and wouldn't be very happy to know I'm carrying his baby. So he'll
either be really angry with me for being so stupid, or not care in the lease
and ignore it."

She saw the confusion in the girls eyes now.

"It happened during my dragon Ribbon's last mating flight," she told her.
"It wasn't something either of us could fight when Ribbon rose to mate.
That's the way it is with dragons and their riders. But I hadn't been using
any kind of birth control, because I hadn't any need of it for a long time
and well... I ended up pregnant."

"Is it really so bad? For you to be pregnant?"

"It's very dangerous for me, and I have to be very careful about getting as
much rest as I can, and making sure I eat right, but I'm hoping this time..."

She felt Tina's hand cover her own, offering comfort.

"So that's why you fainted? I'm sure then that if you take care of yourself,
everything will be all right. Is that also why you quit the Wing?"

Koda nodded her head. "It was becoming to much for me to handle. Doing my
*Duty* with the Wing and trying to keep the med center running at the same
time. My bodies just not strong enough to deal with all the stress it was
going through and let me know. It was a warning, and one I plan on listening
to. This baby means everything to me now that everything else I love is
leaving...Look I really do need to go. I also have to check up on my
roommate to see how she's doing right now."

This time when she got up to leave, Tina didn't stop her.

"Koda just remember if you do find you need to talk... I'll be here to
listen for as long as I'm here."

The healer turned back towards the girl and offered a smile. "I'll
remember... and thank you."

......................

"Are you sure you're all right Koda?" the young girls eyes had been so full
of concern when the healer had finally come home. "I heard about what
happened and I think it was mean of him to do that to you."

"I'm fine now that I'm home and I know you're okay," Koda smile and hugged
the girl. "I don't want to talk about what happened right now. But please...
take my mind off of my problems and tell me how your day went. I'm afraid
with everything else going on right now, I haven't had much time for you
lately."

"You've been a little busy," Yasi replied, pulling away from her and moving
towards the kitchen. "Do you want a glass of wine to drink while we talk?"

"No.. I can't have any wine right now," Koda told her and saw the
questioning look come over the girls face. "Why don't you get yourself a
glass and me a glass of milk then come back in here so we can talk."

.............  

"A baby!! Oh Koda that's wonderful!!" Yasi got up and came over to hug her.
"I'm so happy for you. Does this mean you and C'tain have worked things out?
I'll bet he's going to be so happy knowing he's going to have another little
one to look after and love."

Koda sighed, and took a long slip of her milk while trying to figure out the
best way to tell the girl the truth. Finally she decided the strait truth
would be best.

"The baby's not Tain's. It's Trey's. It happened during Ribbon's mating
flight." Or afterwards when she'd given in to the feelings his touch had
wreck on her love starved body. She finally could admit to herself that it
hadn't just been her own loneliness that had allowed what had happened then.
Trey had been a skilled lover and even in the state he'd been in, had been
able to make her want him, even though she had known she shouldn't have.

Knowing that fact still didn't make it any easier for her to deal with. Her
weakness has ended her friendship with the one woman who didn't deserve her
betrayal. And now she was gone so Koda could never make it up to her.

[Tag Morgie: how does Yasi feel about Koda's confession about it being
Trey's baby?]

[[The next morning... early. Just as the sun's rising]]

<Koda my sweet rider... you need to wake up! Mayhem's rider is here out on
the ledge to see you.>

Koda didn't want to wake up. It had been early when she'd finally fallen
asleep, and she just wasn't ready to get up yet.

<<Tell him to go away and come back at a reasonable hour!>> she told Ribbon
and turned over to find a comfortable position. 

<Mayhem said his rider needs to talk to you now, as he has other things to
do this morning and afternoon.> the dragon replied slowly, knowing her rider
wasn't going to like it.

'Damn jerk!' Koda swore as she threw the covers back and stumbled out of her
bed. She reached out and grabbed her robe on the way out of her room and had
just finished tying the belt around her by the time she reached her door.

It was an angry healer who threw opened the door to find the Wingleader
standing on the other side with a irritated expression on his face. One he
quickly tried to hide when he saw her, but not fast enough.

"It's early and I was sleeping Trak. Not everyone in this damn Warren is up
when you are and I do not like being told by my dragon that I have to see
you, so unless this is medically related. And I mean someone is dying and
needs my care, then you can just turn around and leave!"

"I have something important to discuss with you Healer and now was the best
time for me..." he started, but she cut him off.

"No one is injured that needs my care?" she asked and saw him frown.

"No but this is as I have said important. I need to talk to you about..."

She again cut him off.

"Then if no one is hurt and dying you can just make and appointment to come
see me during my regular office hours like everyone else."

With that she slammed the door in his face and pushed home the blot before
he could try to force the door open. Then she turned, ignoring the pounding
on the door, and made her way back towards her bedroom to try for a few more
hours of much needed sleep.

On the way down the hall, she saw Yasi's door open and the girl stick her
head out of the room.

"It's only Trak... I told him it was to early for a visit, and that I would
see him in my office later if he made an appointment," Koda said in passing.
"You go on back to bed love, I'm sure he'll soon grow tired of beating his
fist against the door."

She continued on to her room but the sleep she needed didn't come. Finally
after and hour of tossing and not being able to get comfortable, she got up
and headed into the bathroom for a shower, then dressed and made her way
over to the med center. 

-----------------

Koda entered the medical hall by the front door and was glad the night nurse
wasn't sitting behind her desk. She wondered on down to her office and
stopped just outside upon hearing a noise coming from down the hall. lowly
she started walking that way, and was a little shocked to see Z'lec standing
in an open doorway.

"It's you," she sighed relieved and, gave him a weak smile. "What are you
doing up so early?"

"Couldn't sleep .. I have nightmares." he looked tired. "It's better to just
be up."

"You really should try to get some sleep Zec," she told him, but understood
where he was coming from. She'd had little sleep herself since the night
before. "I could give you something to help if you want?"

"No .. I'd rather not .."

"Is there... I mean would you... like to talk about it?" she asked and
reached out to touch his arm.

Z'lec ignored her question, "What are you doing here so 
early. Don't you need sleep to .."

"I couldn't sleep either," she admitted. "Too many things 
on my mind."

He nodded, "Are you leaving too? Getting out before Waylene makes a mess of
everyone's lives .." there was an edge of bitterness to his voice.

"I don't know... I don't want to .. but with C'tain and 
Sina leaving I can't just leave them in a bind here 
without a healer."

"I heard what he did to you.. that bastard."

Koda cringed at the mention of Trak. "It's over for now. I don't have to
deal with him any longer. I've been let go from the Wing..." she felt ill at
the memory of last night and having to stand there before all those riders
and tell them why she was pulling out.

She'd never forgive Trak for putting her through that.

"Ha! At least you can see through him .. Some people can't"

"Who is he Zec... Who is he that he thinks to hold so much power over me.
The Head of the Medical Hall just because I ride a dragon?"

"He's a lying, back-stabbing son of a bitch that's what he is.."

Koda heard more then what he was saying in the tone of his voice. There was
something he wasn't telling her. Something to explain his anger. "He was a
friend of yours at one time. Wasn't he? Someone you cared a great deal for?"

"At one time, but now I know him for the back stabbing person he is," he
said with the same bitterness in his voice. "I trusted him as a friend, but
the whole time he was plotting to steal my job and the woman I love from me.
He didn't wait long to take everything I cared about."

"There is one thing he is missing..." she was quick to remind him. "The
riders in the Wing looked up to you because they knew they could trust you.
He doesn't deal with them the same way and I know they are missing you. I
do. I know you would never have treated a rider with the same disregard for
a their feelings the way he did. People respected you because they knew you
cared."

"So what did you do to piss the bastard off anyway .. "

She bowed her head, not able to look at him. "I refused to write Waylene
when you were brought in to tell her how bad your injuries were." 

She wouldn't lie to this man who'd been a friend every since she'd come
here. "He decided he knew better than I did and set someone to Daere to tell
her away. Then complained that I disobeyed his order and because I did, he
felt I should be made to spend time training with the wing to learn some
discipline. Waylene agreed with him, and so I was forced into training."

He shrugged, "Of course she agreed with him .. he's got her so twisted up
she doesn't know which way is up!" he frowned, "I thought she was strong.. I
thought she was smarter.. I was wrong Yeah he was probably hoping I'd die
and she'd turn to him sooner .."

"Don't say that Zec... of course she didn't want you to 
die and neither did Trak. I know how worried both of them 
were. Waylene didn't leave your side for most of the time 
you were recovering."

"Oh please! I was just in the way!  The first chance they got they were
bedded down in my bed!"

"I won't excuse her... because I don't know what happened there," she knew
she couldn't really say anything.. after all she'd slept with her best
friends mate after the last mating flight had been long over, just because
she had been to weak to face her own loneliness. Maybe Waylene had felt that
way too. 

"But I know she loves you. It hurt her when you turned her away and wouldn't
speak to her."

"I had my reasons!" he roared at her. "You don't know what it's like! The
emptiness! The loneliness! Don't tell me it's my fault because It's not!"

She stumbled back, a little shocked by his out burst. There was a wild look
in his eyes she'd ever seen before coming from him, and it sort of
frightened her, but not to the point where she thought he would hurt her.
Not Z'lec. 

"No one is blaming you Zec.. And no... I don't know what 
it's like. I won't lie and tell you I do, because I 
respect you to much. But I'm here if you ever want to 
talk to someone... or need.... a friend. I don't know 
what I can do to help you through this.. maybe nothing... 
but I'll be here."

He stared at her for a moment then spun, "I've gotta get out of here .."

"Zec wait!" she called out and grabbed his arm. "Remember I'll be here if
you need me! Any time day or night!!"

"I don't need anyone .. not anymore .."

"I'll still be here." she said stubbornly.

"You'll be disappointed." he said .. but some of the certainty was gone from
his voice.. and for a moment Koda could almost see the  old Z'lec. The one
who wasn't angry at the world.

"I'll still be here if you need me," she insisted again, squeezing his arm
before letting him go.

Koda stood there in the hall for several minutes after he was no longer
there. Her mind a blank...but yet at the same time images of other times
were flashing by in vivid colors. 

The look on Z'lec's face when she told him she was going to kill him off...
all to draw out the person trying to kill Waylene. The look on his face when
he found out Waylene had lost their baby... and the smile of relief when he
found out she was going to survive the poison she'd been given.... So many
other times...

So many memories... so different from the man she had just been talking to.
She really hoped he'd come to her if he ever needed someone to talk to. 

...............

She looked up sometime later when she heard the sounds of someone knocking
at her door.

"Come in," she called out, praying it wasn't Trak coming by to have a second
go at her. Seeing him once this morning was bad enough. She didn't want to
fight with him again.

It wasn't Trak, she was relieved to see, when a smiling Ailill poked her
head into the room.

"Can I come in and talk to you Koda?" she asked and stepped into the room
when the healer grinned and told her she could."

"What's on your mind?" she asked, smiling now for she'd always liked this
young girl.

"Well... I sort of have a favor to ask you," she said while taking the chair
Koda pointed at. "I.. well I know you're no longer going to be working with
the Wing... and I was wondering if you would... well.. ah heck...!" 

The girl frowned.

"Go on Ail," Koda thought she knew but wanted to make sure. "Just come out
and tell me why you're here."

[Tag Kate :) ]

-----------------------  

Okay I hope I got it all right......

*****Submitted by: *******

Healer Lakoda & Ribbon
Head of Marrid Medical Center