Not one of my best... so forgive me in advance.....

--------------------------------------------

Whiteriver Warren #73
02/11/98

"No I don't see that. But I do see that I've hurt you and I need to make it
up to you. We aren't gonna lose Shawnee. Not if you love me .. Not if you
forgive me.."

"I want to... the Gods only know how much I want to... but it's going to
take some time. And it won't be easy with having to deal with her trying to
take you away from your family all the time."

He just doesn't see it, she thought sadly. That's the worse part of it. For
a man who was suppose to be so good with women, Saul was acting surprisingly
dense where that woman was concerned. Gwyna was one fine actress...

"I understand. I wouldn't let her anyway .. I don't ever want to be apart
from you."

"Nor I from you... but I need time... so I will be staying in Fawna's
room...." She turned away from him as she said the words. Her heart felt it
was tearing in two. She didn't want this. Not for a moment. 

"No .. I'll .. I'll sleep on the couch. You can have our bed."

*Our bed* .... 

She looked at him, then nodded. He watched as she headed into the bedroom,
then fell back into the couch.

She closed the door behind her and leaned against it trying to fight back
the tears that threaten to fall.

How could he have done what he did after all they'd been through? Did he
think it had been any easier for her, not being able to enjoy the physical
side of their relationship.

But to have slept with Gwyna. Of all the women in the Warren.... why did it
have to be her!!

Damn her!

Shawnee pushed herself away from the door and moved to the bed. That woman
had been a thorn in her side every since she and her siblings had shown up
in the Warren.

Always ready to move in and press her advantages when ever they'd had the
slightest problems. All under the guise of *friendship* .

Saul had said the woman had been worried about her. Worried right! That was
a laugh. The only thing that Gwyna was worried about was that Saul hadn't
chosen her to be with.

In some ways the woman was a much better actress then Owlean had ever been.
Openly showing such concerns for her well being, while secretly wanting to
stab her in the back. It really must have been a big blow to the woman when
Saul had asked her to be his mate.

But what had Gwyna cared about that small little detail.
Not a damn thing. She was still doing everything she could to try to win
Saul to her side. No matter who got hurt in the mean time.

Shawnee laid on the bed and pulled a pillow close and hugged it. Another
thought came to mind.

Was she wrong to ask him to stay away from the woman? He said he loved *her*
and wanted to stay with her. That the other woman was just a friend. Well
maybe to him, but how was he ever going to see her for what she was if
Shawnee insisted upon him keeping his distance.

Did she trust him so little, or think his professed love for her so weak
that he would ever let that woman come between them again? It was a chance
she'd have to take.

If his love was real, then she'd have to trust him to do the right thing.
Could she really ask any more from him?

Yes!! Oh how she wanted to... but the final choice had to come form him. It
was the only way she could truly know if he had meant what he had said.

Oh she believed he loved her and wanted to be with her. But there was always
the niggling doubt in the back of her mind that he would leave her one day.

She had hoped with the birth of their daughter that it would go away... but
then this had to happen. 

He had offered to go... but all she saw was that he was leaving her and
Lynnie... and she couldn't let him go. Gods how she loved him. He'd been
quick enough to stay when she had asked... could this mean he really did
want them to be a family?

Only time would tell. Somehow they had to work through this. It would take
sometime, but she loved him enough to try. 

Now if only there was some way to get Gwyna out of their lives.....

Several times during the day and afternoon she wondered down the hall to
their daughters room and spent time feeding the little one until she was
happy and fell asleep again. 

Saul came in several times, but left after she told him she was all right.
It was just too soon for her to act like nothing had happened. She couldn't
if she tried. 

It was tearing her apart to see him...and it took everything in her not to
throw herself into his arms and tell him how much she loved him... to beg
him to love her back in the same way.....

But he had to decided what it was he really wanted first...

She made dinner a little while later. Though not really hungry herself, as
she pushed the food around on her plate, once in a while lifting the fork to
her mouth for a small bite of something that nearly made her sick. 

And while she was at it she made something for Saul. A habit she guessed.
All through the silent meal, she had waiting for him to say something... to
maybe beg her not to make him sleep on the couch maybe... but he'd kept as
quiet as she herself was being.

She got up and started to do the dishes, then went back into their room. The
silences was just to much for her. After a while she got up and went to
check on Shaulyn and stood for a minute watching him.

He didn't look any happier then she was. 

With the baby taken care of, and asleep once more, she went back down the
hall and almost turned into the living room instead of the bedroom. Saul had
still not moved from where he was sitting, and she had thought he must be
asleep, so she turned and headed into her room and got ready for bed.

She was still awake sometime later when their door opened and he moved
quietly across the room to the bathroom. She laid there listening to the
sounds of the water running, and then closed her eyes and forced herself to
relax when she saw the door opening and felt him move across the room to
stand beside the bed looking down at her.

It was all she could do not to beg him to join her.

He soon went away and she cried herself to sleep.

-----------  

Saul was still asleep on the couch when she woke up early the next morning.
She fix something for him to eat and then put it in the warmer until he was
ready for it then got Lynnie fed and ready for a short flight now to the green.

She'd been up for half the night thinking and all her thoughts led her back
to the woman Tahsa. Something about the woman drew her. Maybe it was the
story she had shared with her about her father. 

Whatever the reason, Shawnee felt the woman would understand how she herself
was feeling right now, and keep to herself the things she learned. 

Maybe she'd have some idea's for Shawnee on how to deal with this. All she
knew is that she had to talk to someone....and her friend Aradia was no
longer here with her to listen.

Oh how she still missed her friend. Which reminded her she still hadn't been
by Th'rin's to see her friends son. Maybe this afternoon would be a good
time to see if it was okay. She need to find out from Merissa if there had
been any word about a time for Owlean's up coming trial. She could do both
things at once.

Not that she cared about her mother except for having the woman put away so
that she would never bother them again. 

The door to her fathers shop was open by the time she made it down to the
green floor. Hoping not to run into her father at this time, Shawnee pushed
it open and stepped inside to find Tahsa standing behind the counter.

"Good morning," the woman beamed when she saw who had entered the shop. Her
hopes soared that she had come to talk with her father, but when Shawnee
asked if she herself could spare her a few minutes to talk, she agreed quickly.

"Could we go somewhere else... maybe back to the bench where we talked the
last time... or maybe just walk around," Shawnee asked, still not ready to
face her father yet. 

"If that's what you want to do," Tahsa readily agreed.
She could see the girl was upset and remembered how talking to her own
mother had always made her feel better. And while she may not be the girls
mother, she did so want to be her friend.

Shaulyn wasn't content to be strapped into her carry all by the time they
had made it to the bench, so Shawnee picked her up and held her. It seemed
to settle the infant.

"Could I hold her?" Tahsa asked and looked up at her hopefully.

Shawnee smiled warmly at the woman and passed the baby over. Lynnie went to
the new person without causing any uproar.

"She likes you."

"She knows I'm her friend," the woman said absently while looking at the
darling baby in her arms. "She's beautiful. Just like her mama."

"Spoken like a true grandmother,' Shawnee said slowly and was rewarded by a
look of pure joy from the woman sitting next to her.

"Grandmother.." Tahsa repeated as if she didn't believe she had heard the
words right.

Shawnee just nodded her head.

"You said you were here to stay..." the girl said slowly. "And I just
thought..."

"You honor me with your trust," Tahsa's voice was filled with emotion. "But
I get the feeling that's not what you wanted to talk to me about?"

Shawnee lowered her head.

"No...I need some advice and... Well..."

"You need someone to talk to. Is that it?"

She nodded.

"Are you sure you want that someone to be me?"

Again she nodded. 

"I feel drawn to you for some reason," she admitted, then a slow grin spread
over her face. "I hope you don't mind... but after our last talk... I.. I
would like to get to know you better."

"Oh Shawnee! I want that too," the older woman. "Your father used to sit up
at night talking about what he would do when he found you all again... He
used to dream that he could get you away from *her* and that you could
become a family. It's was his biggest dream. He still dreams about it. It's
a dream I've always shared. To one day give Sammy brothers and sisters of
her own."

Shawnee didn't want to talk about her father right now and Tahsa must have
sensed it. 

"Now... tell me why you came to see me, and we'll see what we can come up with."

So Shawnee told her all about how she had come to the Warren. She thought
the woman would understand things better if she knew how things got started
between her and Saul. 

She told her everything... About how they had met when she had stolen from
him to put food on the table after Owlean had left them.  Fawna nearly dying
and Saul of how she had grown to love him.. and almost left him because of
her love. About her almost leaving the Warren and of him asking her to
become mates. She also told her that she had planned on not telling Saul
about their baby before they left... but he had stopped them before they
could mount Doshy and leave.

She told her of the last few months and blushed when she got to the part
about them being restricted from enjoying any sort of love making.... and
then went on to tell her what Saul had confused to her after his mother had
confronted him in the dining hall.

"I want to believe he means what he said about staying with Lynnie and I ...
but..."

"But you're not sure you can. Is that it?" Tahsa did understand.

"Yes."

"You have to do what your heart tells you is right," the older woman said,
as she absently rocked Lynnie in her arms. "Search your heart. Ask yourself
if your love for him is strong enough to accept him mistakes and try again."

"I never thought I could ever love anyone the way I love him. He's
everything I never thought I could have and then some. I don't want him to
leave. I want to work this out... " Shawnee told her, meaning every word.
"But how can we when Gwyna is running after him every time my back is turned?"

"He knows how you feel about her?"

"Oh yes," she growled in frustration. "He knows all to well what I think
about her."

"I know you may not want to hear what I have to say my dear," Tahsa started
slowly. 

"Oh but I do!" Shawnee assured her. "That's why I came to talk this over
with you. I figured.. you would know what it's like... I mean with my father
and... Well You seemed to be able to work things out. So I wanted to know
how you did it."

"I had to let your father figure out what he really wanted all on his own.
He had to decide what was most important to him before he could commit to
Sammy and me. By the time he found out Sammy was his daughter he'd already
made up his mind to be with us. It's not something you can force a man to
decide. He has to do it all on his own... and for you the hard part is
waiting and sitting there praying he makes the right choices."

Tahsa looked down at the dark headed baby sleeping in her arms. "From the
things I've heard about your mate, I believe he'll make the right choice.
You just need to give him time and if it's meant to be... accept him back.
If that's what you really want."

"I do. The Gods only know how much I want it to be the way it was for us
before..."

"Well think about what I've said...and if you ever want to talk again, you
know where I can be found."

They were both silent, each lost in their own thoughts before Tahsa spoke up
again. 

"He knows what happened and he's worried. He left the shop yesterday after
you did so he could think, and when he came back later he was upset, he must
have been in the dining hall when you saw your mates mother. He wouldn't
tell me why he was so upset... I just know he was. He does care Shawnee..
for you and your siblings. Please give him a chance. Talk to him."

"All right... but not just yet," she said. "Right now I have to concentrate
on working things out with Saul. That would be a whole lot easier if Gwyna
would just go away and leave us along."

"Maybe you could ask the Warrenlady to transfer her to a different Warren,"
Tahsa said in a droll tone of voice that made Shawnee chuckle. 

"I don't think even that would be far enough away form here," she grinned
sadly, then reached out to hug the other woman. "Thank you for listening to
me go on about this. I really needed to talk to someone."

"Any time my dear," they shared a knowing smile then Shawnee reached for her
daughter. 

"I have just enough time now to make it to the med center for her check up
with Clarissa," she said, and carefully put her daughter back into the
beautiful carry all her father had made for the child.

"Dontey will be happy to know you're using his gift," Tahsa told her
pointing at it. 

"It's to useful a thing not to," she replied. "And it is so well made. I
never knew my father could do work like this."

Tahsa looked at her for a moment, her expression thoughtful, but not unkind.
I expect there's a lot about your father that you don't know. Give yourself
a chance to find out. He really loves you."

-----------  

"Well you're daughter looks hail and hardy to me," the woman healer ginned
sometime later after the babies exam. "She's already gained a few ounces I'd
say. But now it's your turn. We have to make sure mother as well as daughter
are holding up."

After receiving a clean bill of heath and a reminder to not over do it for
the next few days, Shawnee left the med center and headed over to Barry's to
spend sometime with the older man. 

As always he was happy to see her and they sat down and talked for over an
hour. He's gone back into the living space behind the shop and brought out a
couple of glasses of a fruit drink, then brought her up to date on the
happenings in the shop.

"Well it looks like I may have lost another able assistant to the dragons,"
he sighed and then told her all about Ashley's joining with her hatchling. 

"Maybe the next time someone brings you a lost waif in need of  job, you
should insist that Saul and Trinale clear him for no sigh of the dragon
affinity," she tried to joke, but it only severed to remind her of her own
troubles. 

Barry had heard about what happened in the dining hall and wanted her to
know she could talk to him if she needed to, but suspected she'd already
found someone to help her. He'd seen her show up at the leather worker shop
next door early that morning and then walk away with Tahsa. 

He approved of the young woman and had been happy to see them together. 

Lunch time came around and she knew she'd put off going home as long as she
could. Doshy had informed her that Fayloth was home now. So she would have
to face Saul and dreaded another silent meal with him. But she couldn't keep
herself away from him a minute longer.

It was then she heard about what happened to Trinale. 

Shawnee gasped when he told her that the young Warrenlady couldn't *hear*
her dragon's thoughts.

"Do they have any idea how long that will last," she asked. To not hear
one's own dragon... she wondered if there was anything worse to happen to a
rider/dragon pairing. Next to the death of one or the other. 

And for it to happen to Trinale... who'd been able to hear *all* dragon's...
what must she be feeling right now.

"There's no way for them to know," he told her as he lifted his coffee cup
up and took a quick sip. "But they're not ruling out the chances for a full
recovery."

"I'll have to go by and see her this afternoon."

"I'm sure she'll like that."

Once while cleaning up what was left from their meal, he brushed up against
her and she moved quickly away from him. Even now his slightest touch was
enough to remind her of how badly she wanted him. She saw the look that came
into his eyes as she moved away, but couldn't help it.

For even now his touch reminded her of things best left alone for now. She
wanted him even now knowing what he had done. But just couldn't give into
the feelings as much as she wanted to.

Not until he knew what he wanted.

"You don't need to be afraid that I'll hurt you or force you do to something
you didn't want to do Shawnee," he said quietly. "I would never do something
like that to you."

"I know that Saul..." she said quickly, wanting to explain. "It's just..."

"I know..." he said, but she didn't think he did. Not really. "I promise I
won't touch you until your ready and  ask me to," he told her. 

He turned and left the room then, leaving her on the brink of tears again.
Gods what else could go wrong. 

Later at dinner time, after fixing yet another meal she barely ate, Shawnee
couldn't stand the silence of their apartment any longer. She had to get
away for a little while so she had Doshy contact Areena and had her ask the
other if her rider was home and if she could stop by for a visit.

After hearing that she was welcome she got Shaulyn dressed and headed out
into the living room to find Saul.

"I just wanted to tell you I was going to take Shaulyn down to Th'rin's to
see Aradia's son," she told him after the way he'd had Fayloth keep checking
with Doshy on her where about's this morning. Something the Teal had only
told her a short time ago. 

Why had he done that? Did he think she was so mad at him that she would take
their daughter and leave without a word?

Well hadn't she tried to do that once before, just after she thought he
didn't love her?

It had been a different thing then. Now... after seeing Saul with his
daughter, she knew she could never take the baby away from him. He loved her
to much.

"We won't be gone long," she added then turned to walk out onto the dragon's
ledge. 

She didn't know Saul had followed her out until his hand reached past hers
when she was reaching for Doshy's saddle.

"Here...let me saddle her for you," he said, still in a the same quiet tone
he'd used at dinner. "You hold Lynnie."

She moved aside and let him work, then he took the carry from her and held
it while she slipped her arms into the straps. He stood back away from her
when she turned to mount the little teal dragon so as not to touch her.

He was keeping his promise.

She was met by the grinning couple as she made her way up to the door of
their apartment. Th'rin reached out and took Shaulyn from her as Merissa led
her over to the crib where the healthy growing son of her friend was sleeping.  

"He's so big compared to Lynnie," she exclaimed as she looked down at him.
"I can't believe they're so close in age. Why they're only a few weeks apart."

"They do grow quickly," the Queenrider chuckled at Shawnee's amazement.
"Even though he was born premature, he's been growing stronger every day.
Why I do believe he'll be as big as Pa'gan by the time he's a young man."

Tears formed in her eyes as she thought again about her friend. It was so
sad that Aradia hadn't lived long enough to see the beautiful baby she had
given life to. 
And of the man who she had loved. Fate could be cruel at times.

"Aradia would be proud of him. She gave birth to a fine healthy son,"
Merissa sad quietly by her side as if sensing where her thoughts laid. 

"Yes... she would have," Shawnee agreed and then forced herself to smile.
"He's lucky he has the two of you to love him in her absence."

"You still miss her a lot, don't you?" 

She had taken the girls arm and led her over to the couch.

"I still can't believe she's gone," Shawnee told her. "Every once in awhile
find myself wanting to go to her and tell her about something and then
remember that she isn't here any longer for me to talk to. She's been on my
mind a lot here the last few days."

Merissa seemed to be listening with only half an ear. That she had something
else on her mind was confirmed a minute later.

"I heard what happened yesterday in the dining hall," she said slowly. "And
just wanted you to know if you need someone to talk to about it...."

"Thank you... but.. I don't really want to talk about it any longer. Saul
and I are going to try to work through this..."

"I'm glad.. but if you find you do want to talk. I'm always here if you need
me."

"I know," Shawnee reach out and took the hand Merissa offered. "There is one
thing I did want to ask you about. Has there been any word on Owlean's trial?"

"It'll be coming up soon enough, so don't you worry about it," Merissa told
her. "She'll be put away for so long that Fawna will have teenagers before
she's let go."

Shawnee took a deep breath, held it, then let it go slowly. "Have you heard
that my father has shown up in Whiteriver?"

The Queenrider's face showed her shock. 

"No... That's just what you need right now," she snapped angrily. "If you
want I can have..."

"Oh no..." the girl was quick to cut her off. "I mean I don't think he's
here to cause us any harm."

"What makes you say that?"

She retold the story that Tahsa has told her. 

"For some reason ...I believe her," she shrugged her shoulders. "I mean when
I saw the way he acted when his daughter thought he would leave... the way
he reassured her that he would never do that to her... well I got to
thinking about things that happened when we were growing up. Before he left
us... and remembered it was him who made sure we all had food to eat. That
we had cloths to wear and then I thought about the things he used to say to
me and look at the words from a different side."

"So what are you going to do? Meet with him?"

"I think so," she gave a short humorless laugh. "Tahsa doesn't seem like the
kind of woman who would lie about something like this. In fact... she
reminds me of the kind of mother I used to see other children having. One
who knew what love was and how to give it freely without wanting something
in return. Someone who would except you for who you were and stood beside
you ready to lend her support."

"Something both of us could have used in our lives. Some one like that."

"Yes someone like that."

There was a knock at the door and Th'rin who was still holding Shaulyn when
to answer it. A moment later he came back followed by the woman who was a
twin to the woman they had just been taking about.

"Look who's here," Th'rin was grinning as he led the young healer into the
living room. Shawnee looked up and felt her heart jump. The likeness was so
uncanny that it scared her. Seeing the girl was almost like seeing a ghost.
One she wasn't ready to face yet.

She stood. Went to Th'rin and reached for her daughter. She had to get out
of here. 

"I'm sorry.... but Doshy tells me Saul is asking for us to come home," she
said knowing the excuse sounded weak. She couldn't help it. 

"Shawnee wait..." Merissa called out and followed her outside when she
didn't stop at the call. "Please Shawnee... is something wrong?"

Merissa caught up to her just as she was about to mount Doshy and placed a
hand on her arm. "Please tell me...was it something we did?"

Shawnee stopped finally and looked back the way she had come. "I can't
handle seeing her right now."

"Who..?" the Queenrider looked confused, then remembered who they had been
taking about a moment before Xanthia had shown up. "Xanthia?"

Shawnee nodded.

"I just miss Aradia so much right now...and to see her... it's like seeing
my friend all over again... but I know she's not my friend. Aradia is dead
and nothing can bring her back. That girl makes me remember and it hurts to
see her here where Aradia should be."

She turned then and this time when she moved to mount the teal, Merissa
didn't try to stop her.

She headed inside and down the hall to Shaulyn's room when she finally made
it home. She didn't even stop to see if Saul was there sitting on the couch.

As soon as she had her daughter settled and made sure she was asleep, she
left the room and went to her own. 

Saul was waiting for her in the hallway. He'd seen that she was upset when
she had come in, and wondered what had happened.

"Shawnee what is it?" he asked but made no move to reach for her. When she
didn't reply he became worried. "Did someone say something to you about..."

Her eyes moved up to look in to his.

"No... I don't think anyone will," she said quietly. "It was... something else."

"Tell me...I want to ... help if I still can." 

"That girl... the one I saw in the med center... Xanthia. She showed up at
Th'rin and Merissa's while we were talking and I just couldn't stand to see
her standing there... It made me think of Aradia...and... I left...Gods I
miss her..."

She turned towards him without thinking, and his arms closed around her in
comfort. He left her cry herself out, but made no other move. When he felt
her sobs growing weaker he pushed her to arms length. 

"Feeling better?" his deep blue eyes searched her face when she nodded, then
he pulled her close for a minute more before releasing her and turning her
towards their bedroom. "You're exhausted. Why don't you try to get some sleep."

He opened the door and watched as she entered the room.

"I'll see you in the morning," he said then turned and walked towards the
living room.

Shawnee stood there watching him as he walked away, wanting more than
anything to call him back. Why had he just left her there? She didn't
understand.

Yes ... she did understand. He'd made her a promise. 

Slowly she shut the door, and made her way into the bed before her legs gave
way. 

Gods...what was happening to them. Her hands came up to cover her face. Not
that she could block out the pain she was feeling. Would they ever be able
to make it back to the way they had been .....

*****Submitted by: *******

Barbara (a.k.a.

Shawnee & Doshayne
Barry (the tailor
Tahsa....
Whiteriver Warren