Date:  Fri Nov 9, 2001  5:22
pm



<<<<Day 3, Early afternoon. N'lin's rose garden>>>>



The mind healer walked through the garden, enjoying the relative cool of the

morning, when his eyes fell on the form of the new female queenrider, busily

weeding.



"Looks like no one has tended to this in ages," she muttered.



"Xanthia tends to the garden regularly," Latnem smiled, garnering a look of

disbelief in response.



"Of course," he added, "she really hasn't been back that long."



He wandered over and knelt beside her. "Remember me? You're not going to hit

me this time, are you?" He teased.



"No, I'm not going to hit you again," Arri said tartly, standing up. "Sarah

explained to me that she's been trying to keep after the garden, but Xanthia

hasn't been around to worry about it. I thought I could help."



Walking away without turning back she added, "And frankly, given the

circumstances, I wish I did NOT remember you."



=============

<<<<Day 6 *Early Afternoon*>>>>>>



Latnem entered the med center with reticence, wondering whether or not

Tarv'renon was even capable of being interviewed. He certainly had no

intention of pressing a man who was mentally unstable if he didn't have the

physical fortitude to endure interview.



"Arri!" Latnem exclaimed in surprise as he saw the queenrider. "I didn't

expect to run into you here!"



"I'm helping fill in for Xanthia." The queenrider responded.



"Oh?" the mind healer expressed in surprise.



"Well, I am a healer, too."



"That you are. I forgot. I am actually glad to run into you. Do you have a

few moments to talk? I was wanting to catch up with you and N'lin, wondering

how you are doing after... the other day, the mating flight. And how is

Daetyn?"



"Daetyn is fine and quite thoroughly pleased with herself. I have not spoken

to N'lin. And I have been, as you well know, busy," Arri replied softly,

focusing her attention on the arm of the child she was bandaging. It seemed

to be the nature of little boys to scrape skin off at least three times a

day, she mused.



With a nod, Latnem replied, "That doesn't exactly answer my question."



"How do you think I am? No matter what you call it or how you justify it, I

was taken against my will," Arri said very softly, with a hint of

irritation, "As was N'lin."



"The worst part of it all," she continued irritably as she finished her work

and sent the little boy scooting out the door, "Is that I have to listen to

my dragon cooing all day about how wonderful Trefoil is and about how I

couldn't have helped it."



With a soft click, the door closed behind the lad, leaving the two healers

watching each other over the exam table in an awkward silence.



"You know, then," Latnem said softly, "About N'lin."



A'rillia snaked one hand up to run her gloved fingers nervously through her

hair. "We're both empaths, Latnem. It would be impossible for me not to

know. And impossible for me not to feel how much I hurt him."



The last few days had been a blessedly busy whirlwind of activity, with the

mercury research she'd done with Sarah, then Xanthia's baby coming... but

Arri was running out of places to hide, and she knew it all too well.



<:I don't think Trefoil's rider is so bad. He's worried about you, not

angry. So am I. I didn't want to hurt you, but it's over now.:>



<Daetyn, I've already told you I don't want to talk about this.>



<:Arri, I'm finally going to have eggs of my very own. Aren't you happy?:>



Tears sprung to her eyes. How could she possibly answer that? How could she

possibly hurt her dragon by telling the truth, that it didn't make her happy

because she knew that it would happen again and again... with her as the

unwilling victim.



"I was afraid something like this might happen. Are you sleeping well?"

asked Latnem with concern in his eyes. "I know how hard this is for you..."



The look of rage that swept across Arri's face stopped Latnem's voice as

surely as a slap. "You don't know ANYTHING about how it is for me, or for

N'lin. To know you're hurting someone in the worst possible way you can hurt

them, repeating the worst possible crime a child can endure --- and

completely unable to stop, or even to keep from feeling their agony and

terror."



Arri choked back her anger with an iron will and restrained herself to

scowling at him across the table. Did he have any idea how difficult it had

been to be with Xanthia and Oberon while she was struggling to keep her own

mind intact? The baby - got, it had been all she could do to keep the baby

from grabbing at her thoughts when it was delivered.



"Not only have I not been sleeping well, I have been unable to rest for more

than a few hours at a time without finding myself practically choking with

fear and sweating like a burned out horse," she added.



Slowly, Latnem stepped around the table to stand beside her. "Would

sedatives be helpful?"



"Latnem, I'm an herbalist. I've been mixing myself sedative cocktails of the

strength to knock a dragon flat a-back for days. Nothing helps," Arri

replied. "I feel rather quite as if I've gone stark raving mad."



"Well..." she amended, "Madder than I usually am, at any rate."



Arri's head rolled forward on her neck to stare down at the table, and her

eyes slid closed with exhaustion. "I keep running because it's all I can do.

I can't face him, I can't sleep, I can't talk to anyone about it, not even

Daetyn. I don't want to hurt her..."



Nervously, Arri bit the inside of her lips to silence herself, drawing them

into a thin line. A single tear collected in the corner of her eye and

trickled down her nose, catching the sunlight.



"Why can't you talk to Daetyn? I'm sure she'd love to comfort you."



Softly, through her teeth, Arri replied, "Well that shows how much you know

about dragons then, doesn't it."



Sitting on the edge of the examination table, Latnem tilted his head

slightly to look at A'Rillia. "How so? I... I'm afraid I don't know much at

all about dragons, despite being the son of a dragonrider."



"From Daetyn's perspective, this is the greatest thing that has ever

happened to her. The fact that I got raped in the process simply isn't part

of the equation. She's hurt and upset because I'm not thrilled about her

eggs and waiting for the next batch," the healer said without looking up.

"At heart, Daetyn is still an animal, amoral and unable to really comprehend

what the impact is on this end."



"She would probably resent you saying that," he replied with a soft smile.

"I've never seen a dragon take being called less than a human's equal very

well."



Arri finally turned her eyes up to meet Latnem's.



"She may be as offended as she likes. You are a healer, and you know it's

true just as well as I do. Particularly when it comes to instinct." Sadly,

she shook her head. "Daetyn tried for years to suppress or control that

instinct, to protect me. In the end, it didn't matter."



<:I do care about you, Arri. I hate to see you like this. I don't want to

hurt you.:>



<It's not a matter of want to. You have to, to do what you need to do.>



Patiently, Latnem waited until the glassy look that passed between dragon

and rider left her eyes. "I had not considered it that way. I... I wish I

knew what to tell you. From what I understand the dragon can't control it

that much without being unhealthy." Latnem stammered uncertainly, wondering

now whether being joined to a dragon was such a wonderful thing after all."



"I suppose most people would not, Latnem, because most of the queenriders I

know have been raised in a Warren or have had a ...normal childhood," Arri

replied softly. "I've only ever known one or two other riders who had been

raped before they joined - and no Queens."



Latnem wasn't quite sure what to do any more. "Is there any way I can help?"



The silence stretched for several long moments while Arri pondered this.

Finally, she stepped to the door and opened it.



"Kill me," she replied over her shoulder as she stepped out into the hall

and closed the door behind her with a soft click.



===================

NRPG: Thanks Morgie for the inspiration and feedback.

Tag anyone... who wants to find her in the hallway?





I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.

I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

                                                       ~Mother Teresa

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               shadowsinger@bigfoot.com