From: "Kristen Gant" <kgant@interaccess.com>

Ce'lot & Belarade
***
<< Day 5 - Afternoon >>

Ce'lot had left D'nar with Rhia and snuck back out to the warren floor. He
supposed he should have stayed .. but Nineve's words weighed heavy on his
heart, and he knew he would not have been much good had he stayed. He needed
to sort things out.

*You need to see your mate,* his dragon urged him.

*She's not my mate ..* he said, *At least never officially.*

*Officially? What do you want? A ceremony like Glay and Sadennetta's rider
had?* Britche snorted, *Silly nonsense ..*

*Brit, I don't know what to do ..*

*What do you want?*

Ce'lot looked up at his dragon, *What?*

*What do you want? Do you want her to move out? Do you want to be alone
again?*

Ce'lot shook his head, *No ..*

Brit nodded, *See .. so go tell her.*

*But ..*

*No buts .. just do it. Geez you human's can be stupid.*

Ce'lot's eyes turned toward the med center and in minutes his body was
moving that way as well. He hadn't really thought about it .. his body just
started moving. And soon .. he was standing outside her door. He reached for
the knob and hesitated. What if HE was in there with her. Ce'lot wasn't sure
he could take that again ..

***

Nineve had told her that she should try to get up and walk around today...
go outside with a nurse and get some fresh air.... but instead, she lay
almost comatose, staring out the window at her dragon.

It wasn't as if he was completely gone... not killed in battle against a
wraith, or some other tragedy... but the loss of his presence near her side
was a heavy one...and one that she grieved.  She would still see him after
she was released from rehab, after all her things were at his apartment...
But knowing Ce'lot, she felt certain that her books and clothes were now in
neat boxes awaiting her return to warren life.

They had been together for several years.... nothing of course, compared to
her parents thirty five years of marriage.... but still... For some time
now, she had known nothing but his consistent company.

Had they been doomed from the start?  Some in the warren would have said
yes... The handsome wingleader, blonde and blue-eyed... just like the
protagonist in so many books that she had read... And then there was her....
simple, mousy... eyeglass wearing... non-outgoing her.  People were not
drawn to her, like Ce'lot...  And indeed, it had been her own insecurities
over not measuring up for him, that had pushed her into her addiction.

She didn't blame him for that.... it was her ideas of being as perfect as
the stories in the pages of her novels that had made her feel inadequate...
that and of course, the looming thoughts of Coneta.  And not only did she
feel inadequate as a lover... but also as a dragonrider... a friend... a
daughter...

Nineve had suggested therapy for her.... or rather.... 'talking' to someone
as soon as she was better...  But that was what crazy people did, wasn't it?
And the talk around the warren that would ensue...  Not that they all ready
weren't talking about her.... loony Belarade, how does Ce'lot ever put up
with her?

She glanced out through the crack of the door leading into her room and then
quickly started feeling around for her glasses.... Had she seen the familiar
sight of flaxen hair... or had that just been another illusion from the
withdrawals?

"Ce'lot..." she said uncertainly, still feeling for her glasses.  "Is that
you?"

The softened figure approached the door, and Belarade narrowed her eyes to
try to focus.

"Is it you?" she asked.

"Bel-" the blurred body stopped, but despite the myopia, she had all ready
recognized the voice.

"I'm sorry.... gods... I'm so sorry..." she stammered.  "He was here...
reading to me... telling me about himself... and then I don't know what
happened... I don't think either one of us do... don't be mad at him
either... perhaps I gave him the wrong signals... I didn't know.... I was
just so glad to have someone here with me..."

He nodded, "I know, it's not your fault .." he said hanging his head
slightly. "I .. well .. Nineve anyway, thinks that I don't pay enough
attention to you. And she's probably right .. she usually is." He raised his
blue eyes to look at her face and shrugged, "But Bel .. I don't know how to
do anything any different."

He moved to take her hand in his, "I know that I love you. I know that I'm
so miserable when we quarrel."

"You are?" she asked softly.

"Of course, I am." He said, probably a bit more sharply then he'd intended.
He quickly lowered his tone. "I mean, when Lecia married your brother, I
know I went a bit over board, getting swept up in it all .. but the truth is
that I would marry you if that's what you wanted."

"But what about what you want? Would you want to have to marry .. simply
because it's what you think I want?"

"Yes!" he assured her. "I never thought seriously about marriage until that
day .. I never thought there'd be a woman who could mean as much to me."

"Not even the Lady Coneta?" she asked pointedly.

"Lady .." he looked surprised to hear her name. Then suddenly as if struck
by lightening, his eyes lit up. "Is that what this is about? Lady Coneta?"

"Well .." Belarade's eyes filled with tears, "She's so beautiful .. and you
love her .. and how could I even compete with that!"

"Bel .." he chuckled lightly, squeezing her hand, "There is nothing to
compete with."

"Nothing but a memory, Ce'lot .. and how can I compete with a memory?" she
asked.

"You don't have to compete with her at all." He repeated. "Bel .. Lady
Coneta is not a factor here. There is *nothing* between her and I .. not
anymore. And even when there was .. she's a lady, and I was merely her
companion .. She has nothing to do with us."

"But she does." Belarade insisted. "Because of your feelings about her." She
looked away from him in misery, "I've tried to be like her. But I just can't
.."

"I don't want you to be like her."

"Ce'lot....don't you see..." Belarade sighed in frustration.  "That's always
between us... always... and even now you tell me that you don't know how to
change....or what to change.. I just can't believe that you didn't shower
Coneta with attention."

"That was a long time ago-"

"But you loved her.. she was your world...."  Belarade's eyes welled up with
tears.  "I want to be like that... I want to be what you live for."

"You are what I live for...don't be silly..."

"Do not downplay what I feel..." Belarade cut him off angrily through her
tears.  "Do not say that I'm being silly about this because I'm not, Ce'lot.
We can't keep going like we are now, because I'm not happy...and if you
don't want to work towards something better..... "  Belarade took a deep
breath before looking him in the eye, unable to say it.  "Then I don't know
what we'll do...  Neither one of us will be happy."

Ce'lot sighed and dropped down into a chair beside her bed. The same one
Dema had been sitting in when he'd walked in on them. "Bel .. you don't
understand about Lady Coneta .."

"So help me to understand. All I know is that you loved her more then you
love me! Otherwise we wouldn't be at this standstill."

He shook his head, "No .. I don't love her more." He raised his clear blue
eyes up to her, "It's hard for me .. I mean Lady Coneta has done so much for
me .. for my family. I was only 14 when I was *sold* away from my home ..
Coneta took me under her wing. For three years she was the only person who
treated me like I was more then just the debt owed by my father.

"She taught me things. She cared for me .. gave me things I'd have never
gotten as just a servant. And I thought I loved her. I thought .. Well, what
I thought as a kid doesn't matter. What does is what I feel now. And the
truth of it is that I never loved her like I love you."

"You say that as though it were true .." Belarade said looking at him ..
doubt covering her face.

"It is true." He promised.

"I just can't believe it, Ce'lot .. not with the way things are going." She
turned away from him. "Now would you please leave .. I'd like to be alone."

"But Bel .."

"Please .." she was nearly whimpering and he sighed heavily and walked
heavily out the door, leaving her as she'd requested.

"Ce'lot!" It was Nineve's voice and he cringed, knowing he was in for a
lecture. "Have you upset her more?"

He shrugged in misery. "I .. thought I could make things better .. but I
only made things worse. I don't know what to do .. I don't know how to make
things right .."

Regards,
Kristen & Taylor
***
NRPG: Sorry it took so long getting this out. But here it is .. and guess
what! Nothing is solved for it :)

Jill, do you think Nineve can help ..

Kristen

*****************************************************************
  |\  /^~~^\  /|
--qqQ-\O||O/-Qpp-------------------------------------------------
       \oo/     Kristen Gant
        ~~      (AKA: Waylene & Aura, Marrid Warren, Warrenlady
                      Meena & Vonn, Norwall Warren, Wingleader
                      Kalewyn & Sabbith, Telnor Warren, Dragonrider
                      Th'rin & Areena,Whiteriver Warren, Head Healer
                      Merybelle Barmen, City of Ralengarde, Innkeeper
                      Ce'lot & Britche, Xylain Warren, Wingleader
                      Saul & Fayloth, Jasra Warren, Searcher
                      Darlea & Makayla
                      Devon & Xanith
                http://homepage.interaccess.com/~sgant/Kris/kris.htm
 --d----------b---------------------------------------------------
        ()
       \()/
        \/

--------------------------- ONElist Sponsor ----------------------------

ONElist now brings ICQ Instant Messaging to members
For details, 
<a href=" http://www.onelist.com/info/news.html ">Click Here</a>

------------------------------------------------------------------------